Jayzf's Blog

this is the time of my life whereby I am completely lost. I’m utterly disgusted by myself. friends around me had received acceptance letters to almost all the local university and here I am, not even letter to the lousiest university. this has served a wake up call TOO LATE.

here I am, jobless & school-less. have I not learnt enough from past mistakes? sister was talking about letting me take up either mani/pedi or interior design courses. I would be even more stupid to say no to these. plans are that if I manage to even finish the whole course without any complains from the school is that I will start up my own business. probably a little mani/pedi shop with maybe some extra business in it? say, maybe sell apparels or maybe just some treats? or if I end up in the interior course, I might start up a company and start earning? since sis is already in this line.. I guess I would have a backbone?

I am hoping that SIT would reply to my appeal ASAP. I really will put my whole heart into studying this course if I were to get accepted. no more fooling around… no more being late for classes… no more sleeping in class…
this is the fruit of my own doings. I may be lucky in any other areas of life but definitely not this area. this is the key to the world. without this key I am nothing. NOTHING.

so what if I used to write well? so what if I used to draw well? so what if I used to be a triple science student? all these had gone down the drain when my efforts to maintain them are no longer there. they had been taken over by my laziness, playfulness and childishness. I need to have these prides back. I need to make my parents proud once again. and I cannot give up so easily!!

though my future is bleaky, I will not give up any opportunities/chances I have right now. NO, more like I cannot afford to lose any more opportunities/chances. this is the LAST CHANCE anyone is going to give me.
mum once said that if I am a hardworking student or a less playful student, even if she has to sell away all her possessions to send me overseas to study, she would. of course, she doesn’t need to do that. my family is more than stable, of course. the unstable one is me.

it’s never too early to start. too bad that I had started out too late.
pretty sure that everyone has this thought of turning time back… well, if I have the ability, I would have make everything go well. I will not have being this playful & ignorant.

Dear Father, is it too late to seek help from You?
this is the request which will determine the rest of my life..
just this acceptance I need and……………..
I guess, even God is ignoring me now.. I am no longer of any worth to anyone anymore.

dear self,
please accept this fate as this is what you had chose. you have no other choices because all your other choices were gone from the very day you did not do well in school. serve you right. now, bear your own consequences.
love, self.