sloth.
i had never felt so slackened in my life. i shall embrace this time i used to have; warming up the chair and staring at my computer.
sometimes, all you need is just some time to slack ALL BY YOURSELF. the alone time whereby you just wanna do NOTHING and nothing at all.
for the sake of my eye bags/body, i better sleep early tonight.
mummy isn’t very pleased with me going home too late every single day. has been nagging non-stop.
things aren’t put in place for 2012 just yet.
i will sort things out tomorrow. & not forgetting to pack my room for CHINESE NEW YEAR.
let me catch up with my Vampire Diaries, Gossip Girl & Land of the Dead for now.
promise to sleep by 4am!
HEREEE I COMEEEEEEE FUNSHIONNNNNNN~!!! 
friends,
how do you know if one is your friend? who do you call a friend? who is your best friends, close friends, good friends? for me, it’s either close friends or close friends.
as most of my friends already know, i am VERY POSSESSIVE of my friends. * definition of possessive; JEALOUSLY opposed to the personal independence of or to any influence other than one’s own upon* yes yes, that’s me! and probably because i had seen how the world turn and spin, i am protective of them knowing new people.. how can you be so close to someone whom you barely knew? and using people to know friends or expanding your social circle isn’t cool AT ALL.
no words can actually describe how much i love every single one of my friends. the love they showed me, the care they gave and how much i really love them.. NO! nothing can replace them in my heart, NOTHING.
i really hope that they do not see me as the girl who forgets her ‘old’ cliques when she has found ‘new’ cliques. because i have NEVER forgotten any one of you guys and girls.
i just wanna say, i am REALLY VERY fortunate to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of you as my close friends. and i really hope you guys treasure me as much as i treasure you guys.
*you guys are the diamonds in my eyes*
looking for someone to talk to but no one is there?
ever feel that way? it’s really hard to keep everything down to yourself and not speaking out to ANYONE. well, i found the best alternative!! yes yes, this blog has always been my hearing ears.
not sure if this is serious but the sudden urge of wanting to go back church really really satisfied what i had been missing out all these while. not completely, but you can still feel that you are partially getting completed.
being able to sing the songs you once sang.. raising up your hands and worshipping your Father.. moving to tears at how great your Father is and how gracious is He..
it’s a feeling you can never explain to anyone unless they felt that for themselves.
being out in the world for so long, i do know and had seen alot of things.
how ugly the world is. how much pain and suffering the world is going through.
do not get me wrong, in the midst of these ugliness, there are still great and awesome people around!
not many i would say.
being able to know so many people in just about a year really amazed me.
not that i am ultra-friendly but people still make friends with me.
how true are they i am not sure. and who are your true friends, you will not know until the day you needed them.
my thoughts are ever flowing. i really need someone to talk to…
desperately upset
this is the time of my life whereby I am completely lost. I’m utterly disgusted by myself. friends around me had received acceptance letters to almost all the local university and here I am, not even letter to the lousiest university. this has served a wake up call TOO LATE.
here I am, jobless & school-less. have I not learnt enough from past mistakes? sister was talking about letting me take up either mani/pedi or interior design courses. I would be even more stupid to say no to these. plans are that if I manage to even finish the whole course without any complains from the school is that I will start up my own business. probably a little mani/pedi shop with maybe some extra business in it? say, maybe sell apparels or maybe just some treats? or if I end up in the interior course, I might start up a company and start earning? since sis is already in this line.. I guess I would have a backbone?
I am hoping that SIT would reply to my appeal ASAP. I really will put my whole heart into studying this course if I were to get accepted. no more fooling around… no more being late for classes… no more sleeping in class…
this is the fruit of my own doings. I may be lucky in any other areas of life but definitely not this area. this is the key to the world. without this key I am nothing. NOTHING.
so what if I used to write well? so what if I used to draw well? so what if I used to be a triple science student? all these had gone down the drain when my efforts to maintain them are no longer there. they had been taken over by my laziness, playfulness and childishness. I need to have these prides back. I need to make my parents proud once again. and I cannot give up so easily!!
though my future is bleaky, I will not give up any opportunities/chances I have right now. NO, more like I cannot afford to lose any more opportunities/chances. this is the LAST CHANCE anyone is going to give me.
mum once said that if I am a hardworking student or a less playful student, even if she has to sell away all her possessions to send me overseas to study, she would. of course, she doesn’t need to do that. my family is more than stable, of course. the unstable one is me.
it’s never too early to start. too bad that I had started out too late.
pretty sure that everyone has this thought of turning time back… well, if I have the ability, I would have make everything go well. I will not have being this playful & ignorant.
Dear Father, is it too late to seek help from You?
this is the request which will determine the rest of my life..
just this acceptance I need and……………..
I guess, even God is ignoring me now.. I am no longer of any worth to anyone anymore.
dear self,
please accept this fate as this is what you had chose. you have no other choices because all your other choices were gone from the very day you did not do well in school. serve you right. now, bear your own consequences.
love, self.
nostalgia
i was digging for my high school’s uniform. found it. held it in my hands. tears started rolling down…
my uniform held so much memories. every thread in my school uniform is as though they held a different story each day..
4years, 48months, 208weeks , 1460days.
i still remember the first day of school.. my dad, sister went to school together with me. trying to find the location. and me meeting Hukun at the school’s gate. Meeting Mr Chow for the first time and him praising Hukun and me out of nowhere.. which really made our day.
The havoc days where we will go to the arcade everyday to DDR. the first result slip we received with MANY F9s. the first of many things. when we were all so young and innocent. doing things because we really want to have fun. me receiving 12938219083102 calls from my mum cause she was waiting at the school’s carpark for me for way too long.. good o’ days.
moving on the sec 2. when things really got better. most of us got used to the overwhelming 9subjects-stress and our results began to pick up. our result slips were all from red underlined F9s to A1s and A2s. for the lucky me, i got into triple science class in sec 3.
it was really a joy to be able to study in the school’s top class and knowing your parents are actually proud of you for at least some things in your life.
ohh. did i mention i was very active in my CCA as well? Girls’ Brigade.
the place where i made great friends whom i am still in contact with up till TODAY.
Elizabeth, Kiti, Nissi. how much we went through together. the JOY and TEARS we shared.
i will never forget…
i don’t really want to talk about the last year of my high school. it was the worst.
not did my results dropped terribly, my attendance in school, my concentration in class, my motivations.
i regretted skipping school for church. i should have known that it wasn’t good for me. ANYWAY! it was the WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE.
(p/s i think i will do well without church. they didn’t help alot. just saying.)
****
Mr Chow, my favourite literature teacher who motivates people in the SIMPLEST way.
Mr Koa, my favourite PE teacher who goes extra mile to make sure you pass NAPFA easily. (he ran with me for 2.4km run. and when i tried to stop/slow down/walk, he will pull me along with him.)
Miss Yam, my sec 1′s form teacher whom i dislike initially, who is actually a WONDERFUL teacher! i miss her.
Mrs Betty Koh, my Elementary Maths teacher who is really funny and teaches us VERY well. my Emaths improved to a A1 from a F9 because of her!
Miss Sharifah, the PRETTIEST teacher in school who teaches Arts. she is a wonderful artist!:D
Mrs Logan, who always encourage me into doing literature and doing well. if only i heeded her advice and did not take up triple science..
Mdm Shirley Ng, the best maths teacher of all times. because of her, i start adoring maths. i should really thank her for that!
Mdm Fong, the extremely fierce chinese teacher. every other kids in school were afraid of her. she throws tables and chairs at students when she is angry! but she is a very very good chinese teacher.
MR ANG, our BELOVED principal! he is the BEST principal one school could EVER EVER EVER ask for. the principal who goes overseas CIP trip with each and every classes! <3
****
i really do miss my high school life alot..
every bits of it… up to the detention classes and when the times i got suspended from class.
can i pretty pretty turn back time?):
a note.
hi,
idk why, but i am falling for you more. and the more i am hurting inside.
then again, my whole life, i had never gotten what i wanted… including you.
i know, i know. i am not good enough for you in ANY ways.
sorry, but i can’t change my fate. but at least, i know that knowing you was the best thing that had happened to me in 2010. you might not feel the same.
just so you know. i do care alot about you. and i really hope you feel the same way too.
but i had figured out…. your jaycee is more important now. maybe i should stop calling you ‘bee’ anymore. i thought it might be weird for you two. it will be weird for me too.
& i guess, this is the closest i could get to you. not any closer…. anymore. and i guess this is the first time, i would ever admit defeat.
Loves,
J
lies.
i had been waiting for today to come. the day when i finally find out the truths.
your lies. i had been listening to them so much that i actually believed in every single one of them.
you were right! i am really very naive… so naive.
how could i be so blind? why am i not standing firm? what is exactly wrong with me?
you know? i can really live on believing in your lies. i would rather pretend i don’t know the truths.
i guess this is one of the things i really should treasure out of myself… to believe in others easily.
just so you know… true love does exist. & in my case.. it might be infatuation like you said, but i choose to believe otherwise. i had never seen myself giving in so much, doing so much for someone.
if you were wondering where i was before i found you at the foodcourt.. i was in the carpark looking for you car! to make sure you didn’t really leave me. & i know fainting then in the carpark is worth it once i saw you sitting there.
Dear YOU,
just so you know… girls are really good at finding out things. thanks to internet. and yes, i did found out that special “JC” you were mentioning about. unless, of course, it’s the wrong JC. but anyway, i did found out. i was looking through and thinking very hard. where did i lose to JC?
no worries! i still love myself as much as i used to. i love every single kg, every single cm, every single thing about myself(:
it just hurt me quite badly… okay, to a certain extent only. the fact that you STILL talk to me is relieving. though it’s not as much as before. i assume you are spending those time with that JC now.
i really don’t know how to express myself anymore. maybe i shouldn’t even express myself… as much as i am reluctant to say this but… i wish you all the best with JC and your future. and of course please be safe while serving the nation. i will keep you in my prayers. and whatever promises you made to me and didn’t fulfill them, it’s okay already(: whatever is over is over. just be good to JC and not break those promises like how you broke mine. *i know you will say that we both assume things but yea* smile boy!(: you got my blessings. thanks for always being there for me. and looking out for me. i guess i no longer own that privilege anymore, do i? i miss those privileges…..
Yours Sincerely,
J.
